


We Meet Again

by fuzipenguin



Series: Down the Rabbit Hole [2]
Category: Transformers Generation One
Genre: Angst, Delusions, Gen, Hallucinations, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Institutions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2017-10-04
Packaged: 2019-01-08 23:49:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12264558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuzipenguin/pseuds/fuzipenguin
Summary: Sid knows he's not a robot, but nothing will convince him that Sunny doesn't exist





	We Meet Again

**Author's Note:**

> While I have mental health issues, I've never been in a mental health institution. I've done some research into how things might be structured (as well as seen a few movies/TV shows), but if anything is inaccurate based on your experience, I apologize.

                “How are you doing?”

                It had been a good week. A good month, actually.

                He hadn’t thought he was a robot at all during that time, and apparently that was the current definition of ‘good’.

                Sid looked up from where his fingers were twisting against one another in his lap and met Doctor Pax’s inquisitive eyes. “I’m good.”

                “Are you sure?” Pax asked gently. “Where are we right now?”

                “Arkfall Psychiatric Hospital,” Sid repeated with a slight roll of his eyes. “It’s Thursday the 5th of September. My name is Sidney Lambor and I’m seventeen years old. I suffer from delusions and hallucinations and do I _really_ still need to come see you every day?”

                “Where is your brother, Sid?” Pax countered. At the nonchalant mention of Sunstreaker, Sid sucked in a shocked breath.

                “I… I don’t have a brother,” he replied, although his throat closed up in protest as he tried to say it and the worlds emerged garbled.

                Doctor Pax’s eyebrow rose and he gestured at Sid. “I think that’s your answer, Sid. We have managed to control your belief of being a Decepticon robot…”

                Autobot. _Autobot_ robot, Sid wanted to say, but that probably wouldn’t help his case. He knew that wasn’t true anyway. He was a human through and through.

                “… yet you still insist you have a brother.”

                “A twin,” Sid muttered, dropping his gaze.

                “Yes. A twin. Despite the fact that your parents have repeatedly said you are an only child,” Pax said, sighing and leaning back in his chair.

                Oh no. Here came the disappointed eyes. Sid _hated_ those eyes. Nothing made him feel worse, not even his own mother’s tears. How did the guy do that?!

                Sid could only shrug and looked away. “I know what I feel.”

                Pax considered Sid for a long moment, in which Sid did his best not to squirm. Then the doctor finally spoke. “Sid… you say that is how you feel. But how do you know how having a twin feels like? Were you ever exposed to a pair of twins growing up?”

                Well, that was a different question. Sid tilted his head to the side as he considered it. “No...” he said slowly. “Not that I’m aware of.”

                “Did you see twins in a movie or television show, or perhaps read about them in a book?” Pax questioned.

                Sid shook his head, brow furrowed. “No, I don’t think so.”

                “I find it interesting that you use the term ‘twin’. Why do you insist on that particular word? Why not soul mate or something similar?” the doctor asked, leaning forward on his desk.

                “I… I don’t know, really,” Sid replied, finding it difficult to explain. “I guess… I guess because for as long as I could remember, I’ve always felt there was a part of me missing. That I was alone when there should have been someone with me. That… that means someone I should have grown up with. You don’t grow up with your soulmate; you grow up with a sibling.”

                Pax nodded thoughtfully. “I see. That does make sense. However, you have mentioned previously that you and your… brother… used to have sexual relations.  That is not the norm for siblings either.”

                Sid lifted a hand and started to chew on a nail. Ugh, the incest thing. It always came round to this. “Yeah…”

                “But you were robots, and it didn’t matter,” the doctor added. “You know now you are not a robot. Is that correct?”

                “Yeah…”

                “So how do you feel about that aspect of your relationship with your twin now?” Pax asked gently.

                Sighing, Sid shook his head. “I’m not sure. Look, I’ve always pictured Sunny as a mech… a robot,” he corrected himself. “I could draw you a picture of him as a robot if I was a better artist. Heh. He’s the artist, not me. But anyway, I’m still getting used to us being human. Hell, I’m not even sure what he _looks_ like as a human.”

                “So you do not have an idea of what he looks like?” Pax asked, a note of surprise in his voice. “Interesting.”

                “Interesting, huh?” Sid demanded, instantly on edge. “More proof that I don’t have a brother? Because I don’t know what he looks like?!” A bubble of panic began welling up in the base of his throat. Why did they always have to try to convince him that Sunny wasn’t real?

                 “No, I find it interesting that you started having delusions of robots when you were twelve. As you entered puberty,” Pax explained.

                 Sid stared at the doctor, not comprehending. “Ok, so?”

                 “Robots are not gendered. When both of you were robots, there was no stigma associated with incest. You could allow yourself to experience desire for the person closest to you without breaking societal norms,” Pax said. He looked away from Sid to jot something down on the notepad in front of him. That wasn’t something Pax normally did, so it must have been important. Maybe even a breakthrough.

                 Sid didn’t feel excited in the least. Instead, all he could feel was dread.

                 “I’ve been talking about Sunny since I was two,” Sid protested. “My second word was his name. Confused the hell out of my parents, let me tell you.”

                 “Yes, that’s true. So you knew him then. What did he look like when you were two?” Pax returned.

                 “Like me, of course. We’re twins!”

                 “But you don’t know what he looks like now?” the doctor pressed, his optics… no, eyes! They were eyes! And they staring at him intently.

                 Sid pushed himself up out of his seat and began pacing the length of the office. The walls felt a lot closer than they normally did and he wanted to run out, away. That was a no-no, though.

                 “I don’t… it’s been years since I’ve seen him last as a human. He’s changed; I’ve changed,” Sid bit out, gnawing on the knuckle of his thumb. “We’re twins, but we’re not the same. We were never identical. Just…”

                 He came to a stop behind his chair and gestured about wordlessly.

                 “…similar,” Pax supplied.

                 Sid snapped his fingers and pointed excitedly at the doctor. “Yeah! That’s the word. Similar. I know we’re not robots anymore. But I hardly recognize _myself_ in the mirror after that little epiphany a month ago, so how could I know what he looks like now?”

                 “How, indeed,” Doctor Pax commented idly. “If I placed you in a room full of other males with your same general height, build, and hair color – how would you know if one of them were your brother?”

                 “I’d feel it,” Sid instantly replied. “I wouldn’t even have to look at them. I’d just… know.”

                 “You’re very certain about that.”

                 “Absolutely.” Sid wearily wiped a hand down his face. “Look, Doc, I know it doesn’t make sense. I’ve _always_ felt him. And sometimes he’s been far away and sometimes nearby. It’s funny, actually. The past few weeks, he’s been getting closer. It’s the strongest I’ve ever felt him in a long time.”

                 As Sid moved around his chair and dropped back into it, Pax regarded him thoughtfully. “Truly? And this started around the same time you realized you were human?”

                 Sid glared at the doctor. “I know what you’re thinking. ‘Oh, poor Sid’s lost his delusional crutch and now he’s clinging to his last idiotic belief that he’s a twin.’”

                 “I do not think your belief is idiotic,” Pax replied gently. “I merely wish to understand it.”

                 “No, you don’t!” Sid exclaimed, shifting restlessly in his chair. He abruptly came to the conclusion that this day sucked beyond all belief. Ever since he had woken up, he’d been near breathless with anxiety and something akin to anticipation. And now this. This relentless drive to make him forget about an integral part of himself.

                 “It’s not even important! So I think I have a twin out there somewhere. So what? What does it matter? It won’t impair me from going to school or getting a job. Why can’t you just let me have this?” he pleaded. “Why are you trying so hard to take him away from me?!”

                 “Sid… Sid, please, calm down, it’s alright,” Pax said soothingly. “And it _does_ matter. Your subconscious invented a whole complex society to make your need for him more acceptable. Even though you can now tell the difference between that fantasy and this reality, you still cling to the concept of having a brother. What will your subconscious do next? Will you be able to hold down a job if all you do is yearn for his presence? Will you search for him? Spend all your money on trying to find him?”

                 “I don’t need to find him! He’s coming to me!” Sid snarled, leaping back to his feet and looming over the desk. As Pax blinked in surprise, Sid realized he was practically panting and his hands were clenched into fists. The psychiatrist tolerated a lot from him, but this was verging on violent behavior. Which was immediately followed by sharp needles and nasty drugs.

                 But before Pax could reprimand him, the office intercom buzzed, and the receptionist’s voice came over the line. “Sir, I apologize, but there is an emergency in the lobby. We need you straight away to sedate an unruly patient.”

                 “I’ll be right there,” Pax replied, already standing. “Sid, I want you to stay here; take a moment to focus on your breathing. I will be right back and we will finish our session.”

                 A subtle poke that Pax expected him to be more subdued when he came back. As Pax ran out of the room, door not quite closing, Sid plopped back down onto his chair. Subdued. Right. Maybe the hour would run out and he could leave and put off talking about Sunny to another day.

                 He sighed, propping his chin up on the palm of his hand as he leaned on the armrest. What did it matter if it was today or two days from now? It would always be the same: ‘You’re an only child, Sid. You never had a twin.’

                 Tell his spark that. Heart. Whatever.

                 A shout followed by a shrill scream jolted Sid out of his reverie and he jerked upright, staring wide-eyed at the door. Vocalizations weren’t exactly unheard here, but that really was a whole lot of ruckus. Maybe B had started a food fight again?

                 But no, it wasn’t lunch time.

                 On their own volition, Sid’s feet carried him across the room and he poked his head out around the open door. He looked left and then right, towards the lobby where Doctor Pax must have gone.

                  The shouting was only getting louder, and curiosity piqued, he followed the sounds. Pax’s office was just down the hall from the lobby so he didn’t have far to go. The normally locked partition between the hall and reception area had been left open in someone’s haste, probably Pax’s. Sid took advantage and slipped through, standing just inside the doorway.

                 The sight that greeted him made his eyes widen.

                 Three orderlies and Doctor Pax were all struggling with what Sid assumed to be a new patient, judging by the tense EMTs who were blocking the front door. Sid couldn’t see much, just a lot of flailing limbs. But he could certainly hear. The newcomer was snarling obscenities, sounding practically feral as he shouted and struggled.

                  Looked like someone did _not_ want to be admitted.

                  Smirking, Sid crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back against the doorjamb to enjoy the show. It was nice for someone else to be getting wrestled down to the floor for a change.

                  “Hold him, hold him, hold him!” Pax bellowed and Sid saw a flash of silver. The new guy yelled something unintelligible and the syringe fell out of Pax’s hand, the EMTs shying away as it arched toward them.

                  A flying boot caught Jim, one of the big burly afternoon orderlies, in the face, and he dazedly staggered back as the shoe dropped to the floor. Taking the opening, the soon-to-be patient dove past Jim. Dave, Jim’s partner, tried to tackle the guy, but only managed to grab hold of a pantleg. They both went down as the others scrambled to get their bearings, but the dude kicked his way free from Jim’s grasp. Just as New Guy was about to stand, Pax dove across Dave and grabbed at the guy’s coat.

                  The guy growled and shrugged out of his jacket as if he were in some action flick and just kept right on going. Which, you know… cool. Sid was kinda rooting for this guy.

                  Except now he was heading right for Sid and the open door behind him.

                  Sid hurriedly pushed himself upright, fully intending to get out of the other guy’s way and let the orderlies earn their paycheck, but someone honest to god threw New Guy’s boot at the back of his knees and he stumbled, practically faceplanting at Sid’s feet.

                  “Sid, move!” he heard Doctor Pax shout. But Sid heard it as from a distance because when New Guy looked up, pushing himself to one knee, their eyes met.

                  And talk about movies. It was like everything was suddenly being filmed in slow motion. Sid’s lungs stopped and all sound disappeared and the only thing he could see was the other guy’s face. It was smeared with dirt and a few spatters of dried blood, but Sid could identify a strong jaw and delicately arched cheekbones, and the bluest eyes he had ever seen outside his own mirror.

                  Time abruptly restarted as New Guy spoke’s lips parted and he spoke. “Get out of my way, asshole!” he snarled in a scratchy deep baritone, his other leg already moving to push himself completely upright.

                  Sid didn’t get out of the way. Instead, he took a tiny step forward, reaching out with one shaky hand. New Guy’s eyes widened in surprise and he froze as Sid’s fingers just grazed his cheek.

                  “You…” Sid whispered reverently, eyes trying to memorize every millimeter of the other man’s face. “What _took_ you so long?”

                  New Guy tilted his head to the side in outraged confusion and then all three orderlies crashed down into the back of him. Sid nimbly jumped aside as Doctor Pax darted in and slammed a new syringe down against New Guy’s thigh. Moments later, his struggles began to decrease until he went limp entirely.

                  “Sid. Sid, are you all right?” Pax demanded, gently grabbing Sid’s elbow and pulling him further away. Reluctantly, Sid took his gaze off what little he could see of New Guy and looked up at the psychiatrist. Poor Doc was winded, his hair flying in every direction. Normally Sid would have made fun of him, but all he could do was point at the dog pile a few feet away, his chest warm and full to bursting.

                  “I _told_ you. I _told_ you Sunny was coming to me!” Sid exclaimed triumphantly.

 

~ End Chapter


End file.
